CTB Film Company
Channel One Russia
Yugra-Film Film Company
PKTK Ritm
Sberbank
With the support of the Ministry of Culture of the Russian Federation
With the support of the government of the Khanty-Mansi Autonomous Area (Yugra)
and the Domestic Cinema Support Fund
In cooperation with OTRK Yugra and Solivs Film Company
present
a film by Georgi Daneliya
Koo! Kin-Dza-Dza
Koo, koo, koo
Kew!
Mama, mama, what are we to do
when the cold season comes?
You don't have a warm scarf...
Savages
Mr. Chizhov, it's your phone
Hello?
No, this isn't Frosya
People!
Tell me the number of your planet in the Tentura
People!
I mixed up my contacts. What number do I dial to teleport home?
I'll sign everything
Could you just do one small favor for me, Lucy?
When you took your things, you accidentally took my blue slippers too
Could you bring them back? I'm quite attached to them. Goodbye
Fyodor, could you pass me my instrument please?
I'll walk
Mama, mama, what are we to do
when the cold season comes?
Hello?
Yes, Frosya
I have your phone
I took it by mistake
Goose? You said it would be duck
All right, goose it is then. Set the table
No, no, it won't get cold. I'll be there in a minute
Hello, Mr. Chizhov!
Idiot
Did I scare you? I thought you'd like it
I'm Tolik, Yelena's son
Who's Yelena?
Yelena Tsarapkin, your cousin
I came here to study to be a DJ, but there was no room at the dorm
- Can I stay with you for now? - No, you can't
Hello?
No, this isn't Frosya
- You dropped some candy - Keep it
Uncle Vova, here's the thing. I was robbed on the train
Could you lend me 1,500 roubles?
I'll pay you back as soon as mom wires me some money
- I don't carry cash on me. Good night - How about 300, then?
Listen, young man...
People!
People, tell me your planet's number in the Tentura
Junkie
Or at least the number of your galaxy in the Spiral
Your feet will freeze off. Go down into the subway
No time for the subway. Please help me
Here's my teleporter. I mixed up my contacts
What number do I dial to teleport back home?
Dial 911, they'll help
No, I can't! 911 is Pluke! There are Chatlanians there!
Sure you can. Hold this
- Yes, hello? - Where's the "9" here?
No, this isn't...
...Frosya
Woah!
Listen, I've had enough of this
I'll be damned!
- We're on Pluke, Uncle Vova! - Where?
That fellow with the daisies said that 911 was Pluke
I dialed the number, and here we are on Pluke
Hold on
Tell your barefoot hypnotist that these tricks won't work on me!
Uncle Vova, wait! Something's coming!
A robot
A humanoid
Another trick?
Let me take a photo, Uncle Vova, or no one will believe us
Say "cheese"!
That's enough!
Good day, friends. We are aliens from the planet Earth
- We are... - Kew
- Koo - Koo
Hello
Chem'?
He wants money
I don't have that kind
Here, I have roubles, dollars...
I'll pay you. Just take us out of here
Kew!
Koo??
He wants your hat
My hat?
Here
And your coat
Now he wants your fiddle
I can't give you this, it's a musical instrument
Now he wants your hat
Dream on!
Hey you, wise guy!
Let it go
There's nothing in there
Open it
Here, see for yourself
It's a laser pointer
That's shampoo. Soap for the head
Like it, huh? How about a swap?
I'll give you the hat and the drink for that gizmo on his neck. And two chatles
Could you give us a lift? See, it's quite odd, actually
We met this strange man, and the kid pressed a button
What's taking you so long? Hurry up!
Hey! Come back, you jerk! Give it back!
Forget it!
Let him have it!
I'll remember this! I'll get you later, you half-witted cyborg!
- It's just shampoo - I paid cash for that shampoo, maestro
Cash that certain people say they don't carry around
I don't, for people like you
They're coming back
- Young man, what's your name again? - I told you - Tolik
Tolik, give them whatever they want, or we're going to die here. Understand?
So how come you didn't give them your fiddle?
Ketse!
They want a match
This?
Another one? Be my guest
Want the match?
First take us out of here, then we'll give you the "koo"
"Kew" what? Here it is! Kew yourself
Here! Found it
Why do you want it?
It'll come in handy
Hello, fellow earthlings. DJ Tolik Tsarapkin here
If I had video cameras built into my eyes
you'd see that sitting across from me are two shameless, shabby-looking...
Stop it
- Just look at these weirdos - Look, do me a favor. Be quiet
I've got a splitting headache
Ketse
Indeed, Uncle Vova
Ziegenbogen will be wearing your slippers now
They speak Russian!
House slippers
You speak Russian?
We're trying. You were thinking about slippers
I just repeated what you thought
- Why were you pretending...? - Why yap for no reason?
How many matches will we get if we take you to Earth?
- How many do you need? - Two full boxes like that one
- Six - What? I'll give you three, and that's it
Five
Four, and the gizmo
ls this your last word?
The lastest!
Mama, mama, what am I to do?
Mama, mama, how am I going to live?
Here
Stop it! I'm begging you!
- What does this switch do? - Don't touch it!
Flip the tsapa back! Flip it back now!
OK! Darn it, I can't see a thing!
Give it to me. Give it back to me, buddy!
- No way! - Switch the tsapa off, you jerk!
- Give it back! We're going to crash! - Four chatles or I'm keeping it
- It costs less than half a chatl - Three, and that's final
- Your last word? - The lastest
Here! Count it!
You took a bite out of one. Give me a new one
Dream on
Uncle Vova, come over here
Look here. This is the Kin-Dza-Dza Galaxy
This is planet Pluke, we're here
Where is your planet? Show me
Let me have a look. Right...
- Where's the Moon here? - Don't even bother trying
For half a chatl any planetarium in the Center will give us the number of your planet
Buckle up, we're landing
- Where's he going? - Shh, be quiet
- Why? - Just because
- They're buying stolen property there? - Shut up. They can hear everything
I don't care what they can hear
They have a gravitsapa. Give me the matchbox, I'll buy one
Hold your horses, wise guy! First tell us what this gravitsapa is for
Without a gravitsapa, buddy, our pepelats can only fly above the surface
Now, with a gravitsapa, we'll get to any planet in five minutes
Give me the matches, Uncle Vova
Don't! They're swindlers
It's just nerves
It's stuffy in here
Tolik, son, would you turn the AC on please?
See, I'm... Can you climb up there?
Where's the switch here?
Ah, that's better. Nice and quiet
Hand over the matches, Uncle Vova
Open it up! Right this second!
Uncle Vova, buddy, don't worry about it
He's doing fine. He's taking a break
Thinking about the goose
OK. Hear for yourself, if you don't believe me
Tolik, can you hear me?
You freaks! If you don't let me out right now...
See? He's alert, and full of vigor and determination
They won't let us in. They'll only let you in
Don't think about your matches. Just show them the ketse in my box
Get going. The sooner you buy it, the sooner you'll get home
Go
Uncle Vova, hold on a second!
Put this on your nose, buddy
Thank you, but it's not really my style
Who do you think you are?
I am a musician
No. You're a Patsak
He's also a Patsak. Him, too. And Traz is a Chatlanian
So put the tsak on. Got it?
- Not really - Look at me with this visualizer, buddy
Which dot lights up? The green one
Now let's try it on you. Also green
That's because we're Patsaks
Now look at Wef. Which dot do you see now? The orange one
That's because Mr. Wef is a Chatlanian
- Now do you understand? - What?
Without a tsak any ecilop will tranklucate you
Pluke is a Chatlanian planet, buddy
That's why we Patsaks must wear tsaks and do the "koo" before Chatlanians
Like this. Get it?
Would you do that one more time, slowly?
Like this
Uncle Vova, you've got concerts scheduled
your wife left you for Ziegenbogen, and you're...
Don't make it harder for yourself, buddy
Uncle Vova! Leave the fiddle here
It's a cello! A CELLO!
And stop calling me Uncle Vova!
My name is Vladimir!
Vladimir Chizhov!
Got it?
No problem, Uncle Vova
Hi
Well, what do I think about you,huh?
Go on, read my mind
This way, Patsak
Come, come, fiddler
Good day
Give us your ketse, and you'll get a gravitsapa
Here you go
- Got to check it - Please do
Koo, Uncle Vova
Go ahead, take a seat
Sit there, Patsak
This place is for VIP clients only
Tell Mr. Traz that I'm no regular Joe, either
I'm a famous musician, and a distinguished professor...
He says we don't care
A VIP client is one with at least two ketses
At least two ketses
Tell him I have more than two
You keep ketses in that box?
Yes, I keep ketses in it
Ketses must be kept in a ketse-box
Without a ketse-box the ketse loses its zura
Now I've got to run the check all over again!
I do apologize if this is a personal question
Ziegenbogen, is he a banker?
- That's irrelevant to the matter at hand. - Of course, if you say so
- Here's a small gift from our company - Thank you
Will you excuse me for a moment?
Gentlemen! Something's wrong here. Come and see!
Here's the Sun
Here's the Moon. Here's Moscow
Here's the train station. We fly along the tracks down to Tula...
Get down!
They'll be at it for a while
- What's going on? - Bee said we should go to the Center
but Wef brought us here
because here it's "two chatles cheaper"
- What about Uncle Vova? - Uncle Vova gave them all the matches
Where is he? Did they take him with them?
Nah, he's over there
You're going to dig like that until your last breath
- Only I can dig him up. - Well, dig him up, then!
Why should I? He doesn't have any more matches
He has one
He's hiding it in his shoe
Guys, I just remembered. It's not in his shoe
He keeps it in a secret pocket in his underpants
Pull him out
Uncle Vova!
Is he dead?
Not necessarily. Take it easy, Patsak. Let's find out
Still alive
- Take off your pants, buddy - What?
Drop your drawers, professor!
Defend yourselves!
But I'm warning you: I used to be a boxer
Easy there!
I was joking. I've got the match. Here
Will this desert ever end?
No
What about trees or seas?
Trees and seas were all turned into lutz ages ago, buddy
You mean ketse?
Fuel, you fool. Fuel!
What's ketse, then? A drug?
No
Ketse is ketse
Oh, Lord...
Koo. One, two, three...
TOLIK
- Here. Eat - What is it?
Plastic porridge
And for Uncle Vova?
Later
Look, Patsak, I like you, so I'll explain
If you have a few ketses, you can wear yellow pants
and a Patsak has to squat before you not once, but twice
And do the "koo"
If you have many ketses, son
you can wear crimson pants
And then both a Patsak and a Chatlanian have to do the "koo" before you
And an ecilop has no right to beat you up at night
Ever
Tolik, give the match to me
I'll give you a pair of crimson pants at the Center
I'm nobody
It's Uncle Vova who deserves crimson pants
He's the coolest
- The fiddler's gone, buddy - What do you mean?
I pressed the kapa and he flew away
Say that again?
We don't need the fiddler, buddy. He was just a waste of fuel
Uncle Vova?
Turn back
Don't worry, we have an extra escape pod
Brand new
Turn back or I'll burn this!
Stop!
Wait for me!
Good day, I'm...
Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot
You see, I had an accident...
I wanted to take a shower and the cabin just fell off
Could you give me a lift to the Center...?
This is a cello. A musical instrument
I know them! They're coming for me!
I'm over here! Over here!
"Koo" what? Stop kooing me!
Stay here and keep out of sight. And don't think about the match!
Where's Tolik?
Right here, Uncle Vova
Tolik, come out. That jerk saw you
Koo, officer ecilop
Give the match to the creep
- What match? - Give it to him
Officer ecilop, they're hallucinating after the shampoo
They drank all of my shampoo
I thought I'd wash my hair after I teleported
I don't have any matches
He can't hear you, buddy. He's deaf
Shame on you! How dare you lie to an ecilop?
Give me your foot, you swindler!
What are you doing, moron?
Be quiet now, thinker
Bye Patsaks!
Why were you thinking about the match?
Imbecile!
Why were you thinking about the match, you cretin, you idiot?
Patsakian dimwit!
Tolik, help me out over here!
What a tragedy! What a tragedy!
I only thought about the match because you told me not to
I was going to think about the goose
There's still hope, gentlemen
We'll go see your government
I'll tell them who I am, put on a free performance for them
We'll establish cultural and economic ties
We'll trade you ketses for pepelatses and yellow pants
To get to the government, you need to have a gravitsapa
The government lives on another planet, buddy
They have butterflies there, too
Tolik, get him!
What are you doing! Drop it!
Stop, you jerk!
So long, DJ!
Never before...
Never before in all the Galaxy...
...has there been such a despicable Patsak as you!
Tolik Tsarapkin
The woods are so beautiful in winter
Fir trees put on their fur hats
Birds sing
Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
Mama, mama, what am I to do?
Hello?
Hello? This is Tolik
Yelena Tsarapkin's son
All right, let's have goose...
Give me that! Hello?
Speak up!
Uncle Vova...
I was just kidding
Tolik, please address me by my full name
It would be more polite
Why? I'm your nephew
Because I don't have a cousin named Yelena Tsarapkin
That's why
No cousin? Fine
Hello, earthlings. DJ Tolik Tsarapkin here
Tolik! A tornado! Get down!
AN ABRIDGED CHATLANIAN-PATSAK DICTIONARY
PEPELATS - a spaceship GRAVITSAPA - an anti-gravity kapa
ECILOP - a policeman TSAK - a nose bell
ETSIKH - prison KETSE - a match
KEW - a socially acceptable obscenity KOO - all other words
Bless you!
Hey! Wait up!
No come closer! What you want?
We are Patsaks from the planet Earth
- Can you take us to the Center? - Three chatles please
We don't have any money. But we'll work for it
What do you can?
- Anything - Be you specific
Specific? Vladimir here is specifically a famous fiddler
Him Play
- Here? - There!
I'm very sorry, but I can't!
To play this instrument I need to be sitting down
Thank you, goodbye
Wait!
- Here, sit on me - This is ridiculous
If they leave, we're dead
Play already!
No play like that! We puke
Thank you, goodbye
Hold it! i'll play
Hand it over
You play or we leave
Here. Be careful with it
Don't touch it! It's tuned
I'm tuning it guitar-like
We not want guitar. We want fiddle. You play with stick
And sit
To play this instrument you need to be sitting down
Vladimir
Look, you sat on me
You play or we leave
Wait. We turn volume up. Koo
And Sing!
One, two, three
Mama, mama, what are we to do?
This we like a lot
This we no puke
OK, grandma, you go: oompa, oompa, oomph
You, pops, you only go: dun. Bring it on!
Stop. Faster please
Why he no sing?
He'll go "oooh" in between
Spare me please
And porridge eat you want?
"Do you want to eat?" Mind your grammar please
We talk, you mind grammar. Then you be of any use
Do "koo" now, or the ecilop tranklucate us!
A hologram?
That's Pezhe
Who's Pezhe?
He great!
I so love Pezhe!
Me too
We praise skies all the time that he let us on Pluke
- Was it even worse on your planet? - Air
No air?
Air yes, but not everyone breathe
What do you mean?
If you have money you breathe
- And if you have no money? - Then you blow up your balloon
Quick! Get in cage. Patsaks must sing in cage
A nightingale doesn't sing in a cage, grandma
Let's get in, if that's the rule
One, two, three...
You, nightingale, do it the right way: sit on the fiddler
- How do you know what's the right way? - I thought it look nice
Some aesthete...
One, two, three...
Hey, Patsak! Stop making faces at me!
Don't you like Chatlanians?
Smile, smile yourself! Stretch lips to ears
Like this
Are you baring your teeth at me?
A Patsak's smile must be joyful and sincere
Listen here, pops. Either you shut up and we play, or goodbye!
Our goose is getting cold
What?
A misfire
Hold on. You just wait!
Must leave now
Here hill. Need to push cart
One, two, and push!
Goodbye Patsaks!
You think you can run away from me?
Nightingales!
Let's get out of here
Switch off your phone
Wait a second
Hello?
Frosya, could you give me some garlic?
This is Vladimir Chizhov. Could you do me a favor?
Ask Frosya to call Fima in London and tell him to call Parmakov...
Don't worry, daddy
Daddy!
Look what that clown Pezhe has done to the planet!
Patsaks are flashing their butts at us in broad daylight!
Daddy, don't look at all this!
Earth is somewhere out there
How long have we been stuck here on this Pluke?
Forty-seven hours and twenty minutes
I have a rehearsal in London in 4 hours
Uncle Vova...
ls it hard to get into show business?
I don't know
How did you get into it?
Paid half a ketse for it
You poor thing
Don't worry, I won't let anything bad happen to you anymore
Good evening
ls this for me?
Thank you very much
Do you want me to play?
Well, you scared off the only music connoisseur on this planet
FITYULKA
Tolik, have you seen my wallet by any chance?
No. Did you lose it?
Must have fallen out
No, it couldn't have fallen out
The pocket was zipped up
Are you saying I took it?
Here. See for yourself!
Hi there
- Where's your flying pigpen? - Over there. We ran out of lutz
It's all your fault, jerk
Think that I'm holding a tranklucator
Hey! Turn around
Uncle Tolik, don't kill me! We're both Patsaks
We're brothers! He's a Chatlanian
Kill him instead. He made me do it! Uncle Tolik...
Don't listen to him, Uncle Tolik! I love you like a son
I swear by my lifeblood!
Lies! He's lying, Uncle Tolik!
He said, "To hell with them. To hell with them"
You can step on my face if you want to, buddy
That can wait
Now, raise the cage and step aside
After you, Vladimir
Well, you can sit on me, if you want to
I'll teach you how to play. It's simple: you grab the stick with your hand...
No, thank you. I'd rather be a chair
Mama, mama, what are we to do
when the freezing season comes?
You don't have a warm scarf
I don't have a warm coat
Uncle Tolik, keep going, buddy!
They like it
- They get it - An ecilop!
Well, humanoids, is there enough for a gravitsapa?
No, buddy, you need a lot more than that
Vladimir, keep your eyes on them. There are 13 chatles there
Pick about 300 of these things. Then, in the next show, when I come onstage...
What are you doing, buddy?
That's a last breath. A grave
Does no one sing in cages on Earth?
Mr. Wef, on Earth only animals are kept in cages
- Are animals Patsaks? - More like Chatlanians
So you have the same flagrant racism as here, on Pluke
Only on Earth it was the Patsaks who took power, not the Chatlanians
Together with Uncle Tolik's friend, a nightingale
Well, Vladimir?
Hey, Patsak!
This is where you go "koo"
I didn't hear it
Well, don't stick fingers in your ears
I can't bear listening to this
Then just watch
When I raise one finger, you sing "koo"
Two fingers, "ee". Got it?
Go!
Mama, mama, what are we to do
when the cold season comes?
I don't have a warm scarf
You don't have a warm coat
Vladimir?
He's just dumb!
I am among the five best musicians in the world!
Do you expect me to go "cuckoo" with you here?
Enough!
Uncle Tolik, don't fret. He's just jealous
Never before in all the Galaxy has there been such a talentless Patsak as him
Says he's among the top five musicians on the planet
when he can't even memorize two notes
Jerk
I have a business proposal. You and I lose them in the Center
We buy a gravitsapa and fly to Earth
We split the matches evenly: 2 boxes for you, 3 for me. Deal?
- How are we going to buy the gravitsapa? - No problem
Here
Gentlemen virtuosos of Planet Pluke
Come here for a moment. Mr. Abradox has a surprise for you
Ketse!
Woah! What's that? A zeppelin?
It's the last breath of Pezhe
ls he dead?
What are you saying, buddy? Pezhe is very much alive
Who is this Pezhe anyway? Your president?
Pezhe is Pezhe, buddy
I love Pezhe very much
Couldn't we have landed a little closer?
Then we'd have to pay for a landing ticket
Piece of cake, Vladimir. Come on over
I don't think I can, Tolik. I am acrophobic
- You're what? - Acrophobic. It's a condition
The fear of heights
All right. Wait there, then
Let's go
- Uncle Tolik, put on a tsak, buddy - I will, later
Hey! Want some cosmic dust?
- Does the fiddler have any chatles? - No
It's fresh. Yesterday's
Tell him to bury himself in the sand if he sees an ecilop
Guys, let's carry him over
No need to carry him
I can bring him over on my tsurlap for one chatl
Deal
Get on. Acrophobes...
- Are we going around it? - Get on already
Just try not to breathe on my neck
And don't touch me
I hate acrophobes
You're the cause of all this mess
- Hey! Where are you going? - Get your hands off of me!
- Hold on, Uncle Vova! - Don't! The plank will snap!
Abradox will save them!
He won't pay. Let's go
- What about Uncle Vova? - What about him?
- You said he didn't have money. Let's go - I'll pay. Save them
Two chatles. There are two of them
Here's one. Here's two
Add one more. For the ecilop
Hey you, stop!
Listen you, acrophobe
I'm not paying. It's all your fault that we're hanging here
Quit mooing and pay up!
Acrophobes. I'd strangle you all
I don't have any money. None
Now I understand why Lucy left you for Ziegenbogen
Oh yeah? Why?
Because you're a miser and a coward
- Who, me? - Who else?
Watch my hand, hero
By the shores of Gitche Gumee
By the shining Big-Sea-Water
That's one!
Stood the wigwam of Nokomis
Daughter of the Moon, Nokomis
Rose the black and gloomy pine-trees
That's two!
- Hey! Stop joking around - Be quiet
Dark behind it rose the forest
Rose the firs with cones upon them
Bright before it beat the water
Beat the clear and sunny water
- That's three! - Enough! I'll pay!
Don't interrupt me!
There the wrinkled old Nokomis
Nursed the little Hiawatha
Rocked him in his linden cradle
Rocked him in his...
Rocked him in his linden cradle
Stop. you scum!
Bedded soft in moss and rushes
Hey you, humanoids!
If you don't pull him up now, I'll sell you to Moscow Zoo
For three chatles apiece
Chatl
Patsaks in the back
Man, that's totally unreal! I can't even see the bottom
There is no bottom, buddy. It's the edge of the planet
ls it flat, lying on the backs of three elephants?
Oh, no. When they were testing the gigatsapa
they forgot to put the purz into the ketse-box
So a piece broke off
Completely
They're pumping up the last breath, huh?
Patsak, I love Pezhe very much! Get it?
- Me too - And me!
And I koo him even more
Hey, Patsak! Want to buy a gravitsapa?
A dual-zur model with a magnetic kapa. Look
Does it work?
What do you take me for? Like clockwork
Listen for yourself
So you'll buy it?
Guys, there's a man selling a gravitsapa there. Do we want it?
Later. First we need the address
Yellow pants! "Koo" twice!
- Want some mirages? - What mirages?
Good mirages
Tsarapkin, is that you?
Lizyakina
Tolik, you're like, woah!
You should have called and said you were going to Pluke
Your mom is totally freaking out
I tried. Couldn't get the signal
Uncle Vova, this is Lida Lizyakina from the ninth grade
Hello
Hi. I saw you on TV
Tolik, are there any clubs around here?
I don't know, I haven't checked yet
Cool. Do you want me to kiss you?
Sure
Pay up. Two chatles
- For what? - For the mirage
Want to see more?
Don't buy it, Tolik. That's a pirated mirage
Let's go. I have a legal copy
The adult version
Think the diameter of your planet's orbit
- The diameter of the orbit? - Yes, the diameter. Are you deaf?
- 2 x pi x radius, Uncle Vova. - Two pi R? No, that's something else
- Give her one of your hairs - Why?
She'll extract the coordinates from your DNA, buddy
It's dyed
It's not dye. It's conditioner
Doesn't matter. The structure is damaged
Pull one out from your nose. There's one sticking out
Shut up
Do you use conditioner on your nose hair too, Hiawatha?
You give me one
No problem
Shampoo?
Yup, the real thing. From Vietnam. Mom bought it in town
This will do
This will take a minute. You can call Earth in the mean time
- That's great! - Think your phone number
With the area code?
Hello?
Who's this? Speak up
Say something. Time's ticking
Mom, hi! How are things?
Tolik! Tolik! ls that you? Tolik? Tolik, where are you?
I'm at Uncle Vova's country house
Uncle Vova's? Tolik, why did you go see that snob?
I told you not to!
Mom, he can hear you
Time's up. Over and out
Hey, that sounded like Yelena Mashkova
That's right
Wait a minute. You said your mother was Yelena Tsarapkin
Look, fiddler, his mother married his father
And so she became a Tsarapkin
Understand?
Remember this once and for all, Patsaks
The number of your planet is Uzm-27 in the Spiral, 16 in the Tentura
Tolik, I'm very sorry
Just forget it
Uncle Vova, may I stay the night at your place when we get back?
Of course
You know what, Tolik? You can move in with me
- Nah, mom wouldn't like it - What's the number?
Twenty-seven in the Spiral, 16 in the Tentura
Your mom can move in, too
Uncle Vova, is Ziegenbogen a banker? - No, a flutist
Mama, mama, what am I to do?
Mama, mama, how am I going to live?
Uncle Vova, look. My jacket and your coat
- Were they the ones who stole our matches? - Yes, that's them
Crimson pants. They'll throw you in an etsikh with nails for life!
- Tolik, don't - I'll be right back
Mama, mama, what am I to do?
Mama, mama, how am I going to live?
Ni
I forgive you the ketses
but you're going to have to return ourjacket and coat
Lizyakina! Have some pride. Stop chasing after him
Can't trick me, lady. It's a pirated mirage
Then tell your mirage that decent girls
wear tsaks in their noses instead of the navel
And only one, not five
Gentlemen, one moment please
Bravo, maestro!
Hail, Earthling! If you ever set foot on this miserable planet
know that the first visitors from Earth were Tolik Tsarapkin
and his uncle, a famous cellist, Vladimir...
Well, that's that
Patsak, where is he, your Hiawatha?
- He's in the etsikh - And the other two?
Them too
That'll teach him to scare the planet
"Rocked him in his linden cradle"
- Damn acrophobes - Quiet now
Hello, tin man
- Did they let you go? - They stole the match and hit me in the eye
- ls that our fiddle? - It's mine now. I glued it back together
- Help me fetch the cage - Why?
We'll perform, make some money to bail our guys out. Let's go
Tsarapkin, I've gone solo I don't need anyone
Shove off. Don't mess up my act
- Give me the fiddle - No way
I'm asking you nicely
Don't come any closer, Patsak, or I'll poke you!
Oh really?
Jerk!
I wish I could smash the fiddle against his head, too
Don't think about that, Tsarapkin! Think about the goose instead
Or about Lida Lizyakina from the ninth grade
Honk-honk-honk!
Idiot
You should have seen the pepelats he bought with our match!
A triple micro-tsapa with a magneto-zur
Aromatic spiral bolts, a laser-equipped toilet in the mainframe
Can you talk with the deaf?
- Sure, why? - I have a business proposal for him
- What is it? - He takes me to Earth and back
and I give him ten boxes of ketses
OK, and 3,000 boxes for me
- How many? - Tsarapkin
Dough is not a problem. I've got dough
Yen, euros, dollars, roubles... OK?
Mama, mama, what am I to do?
Mama, mama, how am I going to live?
Buckle up Patsak. We're going to crash land soon
- Why? - Just because
We're falling. I pinched the gravitsapa
- Why? - We'll install it on our... Tsarapkin!
Think about Lida Lizyakina from the ninth grade. Now!
- Come on, think! - Lizyakina
Good boy
So, we'll install it on our pepelats, and I keep the deaf guy's share
Put it back, you scum!
We're going to crash!
You scumbag! You broke the sky in the office of my beloved Pezhe!
Come out, Patsak
Yeah, yeah, tin man. Just a second
Everyone on the floor! Hands behind your heads!
Pezhe's coming with me. The rest don't move for an hour
Are we koo or not koo?
Koo, Uncle Tolik!
Koo, buddy
What number?
Bring out Uncle Vova
And the other two
Why them?
Just because
That's one tough Patsak
Hello Vladimir Chizhov
- A video? - No
I've been meaning to talk to you. This thing here is called a tsak
- I think, you... - Vova, just hit him in the face already
What's that? What are you holding there?
A Plukian musical instrument. My grandfather gave it to me
Ah, here come those two creeps
Hey there
Koo, Uncle Tolik!
Koo, buddy
- Tsapa? - Check
- Kapa? - Check
Tsapa?
I said, tsapa!
Stop yelling. Tsarapkin, there's some junkie asking for you
People! That was some dialing that you did
It took ages to find you. Here's your candy back
Hi
Hi. If you want, I can return you to Earth
I found out the number
How about this? We go to Earth, buy matches, come back
and hide them. Then we go back and buy...
You can't bring ketses with you. Ketses are contraband
- We'll split it with you 50:50 - No
-90:10 -No
- 90:9 - No!
Quit haggling, astronauts. We'll fly on the pepelats
- Stay out of this - 90:9
No, no, and no!
Off you go then, mister. Go home
- Tsapa - Check
- Kapa - Check
Guys, do you like dumplings?
Sure
OK, so then first we...
We've landed
Guys, this isn't Earth. You missed it
This is Xanud
What Xanud?
- The planet where I was born - Me too
Woah!
- You like it? - I'll be damned!
Uncle Tolik, like we told you
the planet Xanud costs almost nothing now
A month of singing "Mama", and the planet is ours
Another month, and we can buy the air
Everybody without air will come here
They'll be crawling on all fours and we'll just spit on them
- What for? - For fun
Half the planet is yours, the other half is ours, deal?
It's tempting, of course
But we need to return to Moscow. Let's not waste time
You shut up. We're not talking to you
Uncle Tolik, come here, buddy
Look here. We are here. Earth is here
Earth is in the Antitentura, buddy. There's no way we can reach it
How so?
I've been unlucky all my life
- Did you learn that at the planetarium? - Yes, buddy
- Then why did you keep quiet? - We didn't, buddy!
We tried to convince him
The kid screwed it all up
"We'll fly on the pepelats"
The pepelats can't make it to Earth
Enough talk, let's go divide the planet
They're lying, Uncle Vova
Take us to Earth, right now!
Uncle Tolik, we can't! I swear on the kapa!
No, they're not lying
For those ketses they'd crawl on all fours across the entire Galaxy
Of course!
Put the mask on, Vova
The oxygen here is only 30% of the norm
Arthur Ziegenbogen
Flute concerto
In memoriam of the great cellist
Performed by the composer
- Uncle Tolik, don't kill me! - Don't listen to him, Uncle Tolik!
- We're Patsaks. We're brothers! - I love you like a son!
Go to hell, you two
Uncle Vova, put this on
No one needs the fiddler, Uncle Tolik
No one needs me, either
Don't. You're still young. You'll adapt
Uncle Vova, I lied to you
Nobody stole my money
I lost it all in a street scam
Just don't tell mom
OK?
Tsarapkin, after we crash-landed, my micro-tsapa has been glitchy
Sing, before you blow up your balloon. I'll record it onto the tsapa
Bee said we should tranklucate the fiddler, "He has a bad influence on the boy"
And Wef said, "What will Tsarapkin sit on?"
He's greedy, like all Chatlanians
people!
I forgot to tell you
You can't get to Earth on that ship
We know. It's in the Antitentura. So use your teleporter then
Buddies, what about us?
- Don't you feel sorry for us? - Come along
What? Me?
To the planet where you can't tell a savage Patsak from a Chatlanian?
- You can go back if you don't like it - No, buddies
Heavens be my witness:
a society with no pants-color differentiation has no future!
I'm sorry, I can't wait any longer
Friend, alien! Wait just a few more minutes
Tsarapkin, let's record the entire act
Be quick, I'm suffocating
Mama, mama, what are we to do
when the cold season comes?
I have no warm scarf
You have no warm coat
Woah!
I'll be damned
Hello, Mr. Chizhov!
Idiot
Did I scare you? I thought you'd like it
I'm Tolik, Yelena's son
Hello? No, this isn't Frosya
- You dropped some candy - Keep it
Uncle Vova, here's the thing. I was robbed on the train
Could you lend me 1,500 roubles? I'll pay you back
as soon as mom wires me some money
I don't carry cash on me. Good night
How about 300, then?
Listen, young man
if you don't leave me alone...
Your phone is ringing
- Hello? - It's Frosya
Ziegenbogen brought your old slippers
Should I take them?
Don't. Koo, Uncle Vova?
Curiously good subtitles by Eclectic Translations